The Euros were once again a tale of heroes and villains (you’ve probably guessed that this post won’t feature much epic, also note that tales are not covered by German or international defamation laws, the following is opinion) --- A TALE OF EPIC FACT. Heroes, like Matthias for organising a great event, myself (obviously; what use is false modesty) and Per, Andreas and Matthias who fought so valiantly. And of course villains, like Steve Wormtongue Traitor and Richard The Bad Boss. And yes my team mates were also villains, if they had fought harder this would be a far easier piece to write and require less creative licence. Having won the Euros last year, I had taken up retirement in a sleepy monastery / pub, training local orphans in the safe use of a thunderhawk and generally ignoring the defamatory abuse being posted about me. I was at one with my karma, and all was well. Little did I realise how quickly that would change. My peace and epic free existence was shattered by an unexpected visitor. Steve G, not to be mistaken for Steve Wormtongue Traitor, Steve G was a classy individual that had grown renowned in epic circles for both his great play and his team leadership, but as he explained to me, he had met his match. In an effort to follow my success and win the euros he had pulled together an axis of evil, comprising the most nefarious of players from the North of England. Players who would sloop to playing Tyranids or voting Brexit just to win the trophy. But in doing this Steve had overstepped. He admitted to me that he couldn’t turn these pyriah into a functioning team. He admitted he knew only one captain of worth. I am sure he is happy for me to say, he all but begged on his knees for me to lead this team. Normally I would say no, but its always hard when a man cries. I knew I had only one real chance, if I could get the team together early, work on tactics, overcome their differences over ‘who was Yorkshires best bowler’ and ‘the proper way to dance a maypole,’ we might just be in with a shot. With this in mind I landed in Berlin early. But lo, darker forces were at play. I had only just made my way to Frederickplatz when I was abducted by a huge and sinister Richard. He had once been a force for good, but a year without my guidance had seen him turn to evil, amassing huge muscles working archery and acquiring a monocle. Over the next four days he would prevent me from meeting my team and would instead explain his strategies in the way only a super villain is prone too. To ensure I did not escape he kept me constantly drugged on alcohol, and forced me to walk miles on end around Berlin, even when he knew I had suffered a knee injury doing something heroic that I wont bother listing here. Without meeting the team, I knew that we were in trouble, divisions about the best type of apple for cider, were user to arise amongst my English team mates. But I am nothing if not plucky, and I still thought we had a chance. But here was where Richard played his ace card. He was well aware that I am nothing but kind and helpful to people that are less fortunate. He dragged out from the flats basement a truly wretched creature, deprived of sleep for days and slavering heavily, this troglodyte still managed to state ‘I hmmm a gayymang god.’ Yes, Richard had convinced this utterly worthless imbecilic that it could play epic, certain that I would now be torn. Torn between the wish to win and my knowledge that doing so would be to deprive this thing of its only chance of any success in life. It was a brutally efficient move. I never found my focus all tournament, even when I faced off with my old protégée, a man I have trained so hard only to see him turn the lessons against me, the traitor Steve Cole. (this is the epic bit….). Cole (he’s that bad he must go by surname) had taken my beautiful space marine list and made it into a means to cheat at the game. An air assault that gave the opponent no chance and ruined the game. Utterly disgusting. This would be the only game I would lose and I am too depressed to discuss it further. My first game was Andreas’ guard. We both had deathstrikes, so first turn was massive. He also had a world of shadowswords that I wanted to avoid. Fortunately luck delivered. I got first turn and took out his deathstrikes with my own. This gave me a considerable lead in activations. More luck followed when the shadowsword company failed to activate, whilst my own shadowsword killed a hydra and broke the unit. Effectively after first turn he was left with a squad of baneblades trying to stare down two gorgon companys, and was 3 activations down. He put up a good fight, but it was to large an ask and ended 3-0. Second game. Cole. Nuff said. Game three was Per. This was interesting as the Epic Uk knights have in effect a 4+ invulnerable save. I hadn’t played them before, and I really liked them. I think they have more freedom than the UK list and certainly less fear of titan killing shadowswords…. Oh and of Deathstrikes, 2 missiles, one wound, faceplant. The game was a tight affair, effectively he didn’t want to risk an assault and I wanted to avoid my gorgons being prepped. I tried to take out his BTS in turn four, but it really was to little to late. Fortunately as Krieg are good at avoiding casualties it was a winning draw. Game 4 was Andre with his marines, this was a tough match up for marines, in game 5 I would play Mathias with a very similar list, and it just asked a lot from an army that had no real solution to the gorgons. Andre went aggressive, sending up his titan and land speeders to take out my deathstrike silo. These though are tough units with reinforced armour and a commissar making them fearless, and though it broke it didn’t die. With units now in the open, he began to start bleeding activations, losing the speeders to my titan. He went for the decapitation only to see his air assault with two squads of assault marines and double chaplin, bounce of my BTS. Twenty infantry and the reinforced gorgons are just way too much for them. His terminators also had a go, but with the same result. With all the threats reduced, I pushed the centre, and when the deathstrike rallied and killed his warhound it seemed a safe result. I did though drop the ball and leave the objective that would have made it 3-0 … perhaps thinking about the poor poor wretch’s aspirations in team London, and so 2-0 it ended. The last game was Mathias also with marines. Space ship, drop pods, twin thunderhawks. Mathias had showered himself in glory during the tournament winning 3-3, and really has shown himself to be a very capable player so I knew this would be a challenge. But the dice really weren’t for him. My AA guns happily watched every shot bounce of them and he couldn’t achieve the air superiority his list required. A tactical error with the dropping of his BTS too close to my titan lead to a heavily supported warhound assault, that left me a point up and though his air assault broke a gorgon unit, he was always chasing the game. His luck again failed him when he teleported in at the start of turn three and lost the roll of. The targeted warhound ran away from the termintaors then shot and killed three of them. Mathias put up a solid fight to try to force the draw, but it was by then a big ask and ended 2-0 turn four. As the results were read out I knew we hadn’t won, but I did take some consolation in hearing the yell of ‘I hamm a gaymman god’ from the London wretch, whom had evidently soiled himself and was licking his trophy like an ice cream. (I also believe Mark played for London).
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