If you're anything like me, youll be sick of the sight of cocky culinary cockney cock Jamie Oliver crowing on about how "pukka" he is just because he can "whack together" a meal in 30 minutes. Big deal Jamie, you can make a Pot Noodle in 5 mins WITHOUT any preparation!

Anyway, I digress, "inspired" by the (half)wit that is the odious Oliver, I set myself the challenge of building a nice wee piece of terrain from rubbish in 60 mins. Here's what happened.

Ingredients:

i) The packaging for some meat from Asda. You may wish to note that you don't have to buy this from Asda. Other supermarkets sell meat as well. Unless you are vegetarian, I recommend eating the meat as well. It's a nice wee bonus to getting this very nice packaging.

ii) The lid off some "Innocent" brand orange juice. This stuff is expensive so I really recommend you drink the orange juice. Otherwise you have a fairly pricey piece for your building.

iii) Some filler. A well-known 100 penny shop sells this. Filler for a quid? Yes! Everything's a pound!

iv) Glue. Do NOT follow Oliver's example. Use it as an adhesive to stick stuff together. Sniffing it is dangerous.

v) Some card. You'll need scissors to cut it. Never have blades close by when watching Jamie Oliver. You may find you have an irresistable urge to drive the implements into your eyes. Safety first! Get Oliver's gormless grinning gob off your tv screen.

Right, let's get started...

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Using the scissors, trim the edging off of the plastic packaging.

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Cut a nice square of card to mount the packaging on. Glue around the edge of plastic, bosh that on to the card. Already it's looking pretty good. That's the advantage of finding a decent bit of rubbish, saves you a bit of Harry Lime (time).

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Now, there's a wodge of manufacturer's information on the packaging. We need to cover that up like a delivery of cheap grisly meat getting delivered to Jamie's restaurants (allegedly**). Cut a bit of card and then glue that to the top of the packaging.

**Source: Big Tam fae Di Maggio's restaurant.

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No matter how hard you try, you cannot wash off that label on the orange juice top. It's stickier than Nigella's clunge. So hide the evidence by cutting another bit of card and chuck it on to the top of the lid.

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That in turn gets glued on top of the packaging. Aw... if only Jules looked that bootiful. The charitable-minded of the population say she's got a phizog like a mashed up madeira cake.

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Err, dunno what I was doing here.

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Back to the job at hand. You may have noticed there's no way into the building. We're going to need some Bobby Moores (doors) to fix that. Chop up the card like so.

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Then use your thick glaze to stick the bits of card together. They look like shelves you'd buy out of Ikea but much sturdier (because these are made of card and not paper). Trust me, now you have 4 entrances. Perfeck.

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Glue 'em on to the packaging / building.

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Last of all, get out your filler and whack it on around the base. You've got to hide that edging like Blumenthal covering up boccuelism at his Fat Duck restaurant (allegedly)**.

**Foodies may be interested to know that it is rumoured that the name of Mr Blummenthal's restaurant stems from an abusive comment made at his person. One of Heston's sycophants was said to have convinced him that he misheard the "D" and the "F" the wrong way around. He was a little mystified as to why someone had shouted "there's Fat Duck Heston" but he thought it was a good name for his villanious restaurant.

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Leave filler to set for about 5 hours. Paint to perfection.

And there you have it! Would you 'ave Adam an' Eve'd (believed) it? Job done in 55 mins! Piece of piss.

Now, does anyone have idea what this building could be used for in Epic?!...

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Hope no one was offended by this blog. I sought only to make you all chuckle.

I'll paint up the building and post the results later on!

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Agree with you about Mr. j. oliver

Great idea you got there and shows a good usage of common 'trash'. Others trash is others treasure or how they say..

Can't wait to see it painted!

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Nice work !! I love doing stuff like that with "junk" ! I did this with one of those plastic box inserts - http://s48.photobucket.com/albums/f248/ ... ry%20Farm/ And this - It's a lot of fun to "kitbash/Trashbash !

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