A few things i noticed whilst having a quick run through (about 30mins) of the text:

Page 3

*consistency required, commas or periods.


*spelling - equatorial



*fauna shouldnt be capitalised in this instance, provides consistency with non capitalised flora mentioned previously


*perhaps further clarity on what 'pre-historical' means? Depending on how old you want the human/ork settlement to be, for eg - "Terraforming and colonisation is estimated to have occured during the Dark Age of Technology", where warp travel and rapid space exploration occured. Or you could make it later, give it a date in a format like "estimates of M38.41652 to (whatever)".


*replace with "by an attack of multiple Ork spacecraft of the Cruiser class, which had been waiting..."


*if there is a need for a semi-colon, there's no need for capitilisation of "The".

Page 10

*what Knights have missile launchers? Name of weapon should be consistent with weapon fit of knight variants listed?

Page 12

*remove period after 'Supplemental Details' colon
*the 'above average quality products' doesnt seem to gell well with the 'Supplemental Details' descriptive terms. To confirm, it's quality is average but it's STC's are of a better standard? The 'layman' Epic player may find this a little jarring.


*the fluff states that Legio Destructor 'probably' has the largest Legion - does the above statement imply something different? Reference 40k Wiki for this.

Page 15

*should be Gatling

Page 16

*insert space between "Assets" and the dash, same consistency as prior entries.


*plural - "Crusaders" not "Crusader"

Page 37

*plural - "Annihilators" and "Hunters"

I didnt read much of the story with the time i had available.

Cheers,
Tee

Many thanks for the catches.


Nope, it's the Imperium, they're as clear as mud. :-)

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Final two pages of the story added.

Phew!

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Next up:
Ork Unit Datafaxes & Unit description texts.

Would anyone like to volunteer to help write those?

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Congrats on getting to end of story- light at end of tunnel!! I liked how you focused on the main Battle at the Wall and then wrapped the remainder of conflict in a few paragraphs. It avoided too much repition of fight sequences, keeping them fresh, and also kept focus very much on the bigger battles involving Titans and Gargants, whilst still recognising the smaller skirmishes.


On penultimate page it gives the Imperial casualties including "The Skitarii garrison had lost over a quarter of a million infantry." Over what timescale is this?

I know that the Battle for the Walls lasted 6 hours. I presume that quarter of million relate to whole campaign? If so do you need to mention that?

Last page:
"950.75—Reinforcement fleet from Accatran arrives at Achill-Quag Rough Rider armies and Titan Legion forces go on the offensive." Do you need a full stop after Achill-Quag?

At the to of the table on right hand side it states M41 in bold. Should'nt this be moved to the left hand column? Or included at the top of both columns?

Would the Orks have any concept of keeping prisoners captive? I am no Xenos expert so I stand to be corrected- but that is the one bit of the storyline that does'nt work for me.

I still find the brown background with black text very difficult to read on screen and does'nt print too well either. Please can you lighten the brown background to a lighter shade e.g. beige.

Overall great stuff and certainly appreciate the time and effort you put into it.

Thanks very much

James

That's intended to refer to just the 6 hour battle for the walls. mega casualties. :-)



I do.


Yup, they are know to take captives, and also slaves.


Thank you for reading, and enjoying it. :-)

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In which case in the narrative do you need to beef the references to Skitarii fighting and dying? Because most of the action scenes are focusing on the Titans and Gargants, for obvious reasons, and personally I really enjoyed.

It is more that the reference to casualties seemed to come from nowhere without any real sense of their building up over the 6 hours. Took me by surprise that's all. But that's just my impression.

Cheers

James

There is a reference around hour 4 of that battle that 80k Skitarii died during that hour alone, IIRC.

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ok- cool. Downside of reading the story in 2 page chunks as each new pages released. Not yet sat down and read it all the way through from start to finish. Will probably wait until brown background is lightened so that easier to read.

Cheers

James

Righto. The brown is only temporary, I'm hoping to get all the graphics replaced over the next few months.

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Nice one- cant wait to see some of the pictures of the action.