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How the British military deal with snakes
Mojarn Piett
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 12:31 pm 
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Any military chaps around here?  :D

Oh, and Tas take a look at #10...  :devil:

HOW THE BRITISH MILITARY DEAL WITH SNAKES

1. INFANTRY
Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

2. PARACHUTE REGIMENT
Lands on and kills snake.

3. ROYAL TANK REGIMENT
Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

4. HOUSEHOLD CAVALRY
Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

5. ROYAL MARINES
Plays with snake. Gets drunk with snake. Eats snake.

6. COMBAT ENGINEER
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

7. ROYAL ARTILLERY
Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8. SPECIAL AIR SERVICE
Make contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best seller 'Python Two Zero'.

9. ARMY MEDICAL SERVICES
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

10. ROYAL NAVY
Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MOD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

11. TERRITORIAL ARMY
Weekend camp cancelled due to presence of snakes in the area. Open the bar and organise snake study as new MATT 13.

12. RAF
Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads smart missiles, only 13 serviceable aircraft available and only 8 crews have necessary adquals to fly mission profile. One crew ends OP tour after 2 days (reduced commitment) leaving only 7 crews available. Aircraft Red 1 and Red 5 go U/S on the runway leaving 5 aircraft. They fly in at 20,000 feet, but can't find snake to target. (Cloud obscuring target Designator aircraft all grounded (due to ground being available) Drops bombs in sea on way home. Wipes out 85% of marine life in no-fly zone. Home in time for tea and medals.

13. INTELLIGENCE CORPS
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake bite.

14. DEFENCE LOGISTICS ORGANISATION
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of ?1 .5M, generating massive workload at Grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake into all messes and ration packs by 2008. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas told change is inevitable and not to be negative about it. High profile ?2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy.

15. DEFENCE PROCUREMENT AGENCY
Decide they want to buy a snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and ?3 billion over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.

16. ADJUTANT GENERAL'S CORPS
Discovers that snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

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J0k3r
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 1:14 pm 
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Lulz!  Nice work Mojarn!

ps- my favourites are 3 and 5.




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Mojarn Piett
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 2:26 pm 
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(J0k3r @ Jan. 29 2008,14:14)
QUOTE
Lulz!  Nice work Mojarn!

ps- my favourites are 3 and 5.

Also you forgot- USAF: Identifies "snake-like-panels" on the back of British armoured vehicles....

Well, I can't take honors for writing this as I didn't. I just got it from a friend who got it from who knows where.  :)

And I'm sure there is something similar for US Army.

EDIT:
Finnish army would be like this:

The unit responsible for training snake handling specialists has been closed due to budget cuts because there is no perceived threat from snakes in the near future. As a result all snake handling equipment was scrapped to save in storage costs. Since there is no demand the equipment is not produced locally anymore as deals to foreign countries were torpedoed by former foreign minister Erkki Tuomioja and President Tarja Halonen. Recruits ordered to deal with the snake sue the army for harassment. The wildlife activists sue the army for trying to harass a snake which is obviously a close relative of the endangered Russian flying squirrel.

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CAL001
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 3:05 pm 
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Yeah, I have seen this one before, it has had many incarnatiosn with different things replacing the Snake. I think that it gets around most MOD and DOD's around the world. And yes as a former member or the Australian Army's Tank Regiment, I have run over my far share of snakes. As for Cavalry, I have hunkered down in OPs on servaillence lines and watched them slither past and thanked f#@# that they kept going and didnt join me in my hole.


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Dwarf Supreme
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 3:25 pm 
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Oh man that's too funny.

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J0k3r
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 3:36 pm 
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(CAL001 @ Jan. 29 2008,14:05)
QUOTE
Joker, very funny mate, I wouldn't have gone that far and I know some blokes from that Regiment.

Sorry, not trying to offend anyone. Edited out.




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Otterman
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:39 pm 
SOFTWARE) Consult Google.
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CAL001
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 5:10 am 
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Joker,

I have followed your lead mate, no offence was caused mate, I did find it very funny in that morbid sense of humour way that soldiers find things funny.

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J0k3r
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 12:14 pm 
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Cool  :)

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Tas
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 12:25 pm 
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(Mojarn Piett @ Jan. 29 2008,20:31)
QUOTE
Any military chaps around here? ?:D

Oh, and Tas take a look at #10... ?:devil:

Seems pretty reasonable to me!
Note that no Navy guys die of snake bite...

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duz.holger
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 10:32 pm 
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if it has been 20 years earlyer i would have one for the danish army regrettable the danish government has in the last 15 years gut that insein idea tha det danish army is for real and not a parody

here is it
danish army would be sent out on a snakeiterian mission under UN charter to help the hungry snakes and give protektion for the pour defensless snakes

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Legion 4
 Post subject: How the British military deal with snakes
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 6:03 am 
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Very amusing, M/J !! Yes, I've seen something like this for the US Military ! For some reason, us Grunts would run into snakes ... and kill them ! :D

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