The Ferengi Rules Of Acquisition
The rules as they have appeared on the vids. According to "Rules of Acquisition" episode, there are 285 rules in all, plus there are various commentaries on them.
(page last updated 14/07/98).
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1) Once you have their money, you never give it back. (The Nagus)
2) You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try.
3a) You can always buy back a lost reputation.
3b) Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to. (The Maquis, Part II)
4) Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough.
5) If you can't break a contract, bend it.
6) Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity. (The Nagus)
7) Always keep your ears open. (In the Hands of the Prophets)
Keep count of your change.
9) Opportunity plus instinct equals profit. (The Storyteller)
10) A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one.
11) Latinum isn't the only thing that shines.
12) Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.
13) Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
14) Anything stolen is pure profit.
15) Acting stupid is often smart.
16) A deal is a deal. (Melora)
17) A bargain usually isn't.
18) Beware of relatives bearing gifts.
19) Don't lie too soon after a promotion.
20) When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.
21) Never place friendship above profit. (Rules of Acquisition)
22) A wise man can hear profit in the wind. (Rules Of Acquisition)
23) Never take the last coin, but be sure to get all the rest.
25) Fear makes a good business partner.
30) Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.
31) Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother. (The Siege)
32) Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.
33) It never hurts to suck up to the boss. (Rules of Acquisition)
37) Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own. (Rivals)
41) Money talks, but having lots of it gets more attention.
43) Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.
47) Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than yours. (Rivals)
48) The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife. (Rules of Acquisition)
57) Good customers are rare as latinum - treasure them. (Armageddon Game)
58) Friendship is seldom cheap. (Rules of Acquisition)
59) Free advice is seldom cheap. (Rules of Acquisition)
60) Never use credit where your words will do.
61) Never buy what can be stolen. (Rules of Acquisition)
62) The riskier the road, the greater the profit. (Rules of Acquisition)
70) Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise.
76) Every once a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies. (The Home coming)
101) Never do something you can make someone do for you.
103) Sleep can interfere with opportunity. (Rules of Acquisition)
109) Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack. (Rivals)
112) Never have sex with the boss's sister. (Playing God)
123) A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer.
139) Wives serve, brothers inherit. (Necessary Evil)
172) If you can sell it, don't hesitate to steal it.
194) It is always good business to know about new customers before they walk in the door. (Whispers)
212) Never give away for free what can be sold.
214) Never begin a business negotiation on a empty stomach. (The Maquis, Part I)
And make a HUGE order !!!!! 
Isn't Rule of Acquisition #212 the one about never bathing in baby oil with your sister in laws kangaroo... IIRC.
