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Here's my contribution.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking
for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his
arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his
Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed
to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."
"What?" says the woman.
The man explains "I've just come in my underpants."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was
brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the
doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of
home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this
morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling
film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash
key...."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit
before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's
cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he
picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he
says "I'm going to
have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And
there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my dad. Or
my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are
too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in
by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate
your arms"
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week
.... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when
they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak
and heat it.
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies
the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.
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