First part of reader feedback. Mostly nitpicky stuff in wording though there's some Fluff suggestions/Points of Order I make as well. More to come once I can transcribe my chicken scratch into something somewhat readable. Feel free to make requests for clarification or just straight up ignore and tell me to get lost.
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Page 4
-suggest change "Population: 180 million Orkoids approximate" to "Population: 180 million Orkoids (approximate)"
-suggest change "The close - range planetary survey of Uzmak B was interrupted by an attack by multiple Ork spacecraft of the Cruiser class, which had been waiting in ambush behind the planet‘s fourth moon." to "The close - range planetary survey of Uzmak B was interrupted by an attack by multiple Ork spacecraft of Cruiser level displacement, which had been waiting in ambush behind the planet‘s fourth moon."
Page 8
-Note "Atmospheric Composition: 72% nitrogen, 25% oxygen, 1% argon, 1% carbon dioxide, trace amounts of other gasses." doesn't add up
Probably should be "1% other gasses"
Page 9
-General suggestion: use an indicent +N days timer instead of absolute dates (or add to them). For instance, 3100950M41 is a pain in comparison to "Port Alpha landfall +0 days"
-repeat suggestion on limiting use of Orks + ship class vs displacement
-duplicated word " Gathered in their hundreds of thousands thousands,". If intentional, then please don't. Just put the number in.
-phrasing suggest "yet for all the humans‘ effort still maintaining a coherent core" to "yet for all the humans‘ effort, still maintaining a coherent core"
-phrasing "the main Adeptus Mechanicus force held all of its more capable units in reserve, knowing that despite having two hundred thousand Skitarii, as well as a full Knight Household in reserve". Suggest one use of "in reserve"
Page 12
-Fluff suggestion "Besides the fleet flagship Omnissiah‘s Rage , an ancient Dicta- tor Class Cruiser that had served the Adeptus Mechanicus for almost three thousand years". 3k isn't particularly ancient in Imperial terms. I'd extend at least a few more thousand years.
-Spelling? "Incence- wrapped, war horns blaring". Not sure if British spelling is different but isn't that 'incense'?
Page 14
-Suggstion: Move global map from here to page 8. Locations are referenced in the text that we've yet to see in graphic. Would be helpful I expect. I know I was all, "WTF?!?!?" trying to figure things out at first.
Page 15
-Phrasing suggestion. "Orks having captured an outlying factorum complex but having been blunted enough that they lacked the momentum for pushing further in to the Complex." Use only one mention of the word 'Complex'. Is it 'complex' or 'Complex'?
Page 16
-Rewording suggestion. "Whether they had left the system or still lurked unseen in the system was unknown," to "Whether they had left the system or still lurked unseen in the outer debrie fields was unknown,"
Page 17
-Fluff issue. "Responding with rapid decisions, both forces acceded to the Inquisitor‘s request and dispatched armies to Achil- Quag at the earliest available Warp tide. Coordinating to- gether in the Warp, the Imperial Space Marines emerged directly above Achil-Quag together, just five hours before the leading edges of the Ork hordes were due to arrive at Complex 1."
In general it's pretty definitive that Warp translation occurs in the outer reaches of a system due to the gravitational effects of a large mass, like a sun. Translating in system like they did should be noted for its extreme difficulty and danger and make that jump something special in the annals of warp travel. The fact they felt they had to perform such a dangerous jump also helps impress on the reader the dire needs of the Imperials as well as how good the Marines are at what they do.